Vinn's Journal
February 2010 |
Today, there is an existential embrace for all events. In the spring air there is a muted surrender toward conclusions and initiations. Each door closed introduces another opening and I exist in spaces that contain memory vapors of the many who contribute to a life. Hailing the many who provide individual hues and are looked upon with enchanting appreciation. These personal hues make for a bolder and brighter life experience.
Today I watch with a ravenous craving for all the little things, which pass by in any moment. The tingle of bells being moved in symphonic streams by the wind, the score of music played in a background while praying, the assistance given by an elder couple toward one another while crossing a street; each of these scenes resonate with a newly found discovery to pause, to savor, and to reflect upon.
These days find me saying good-bye to a dear friend, a fiery and passionate thinker, woman, mother, and dancer, who I have held in my heart/mind these last weeks. Reminded of the sliver of silver threads that hold each of us to this life, I find a dance that has become quiet and attentive. Recalling images of her in full body passion of creating each moment with a purpose that was all at once reverent, erotic, and inquisitive, has now given way to her still photo image bracketed by flowers and candle. It is an altar of lamentation. It is an altar of celebration. It is an altar of prophecy. With each viewing, this dancer is reminder of what awaits and shifts weight between hollow dread and humble reverence for this moment.
It is said that as one of us drops form there is a gap in the body choir, a voice void that can no longer be filled. We carry on knowing that the collective song being sung is poorer due to the absence of that individual voice. There is nothing we can do to replicate those individual notes, melodies, and timbre, which are lost to us for all time.
However, we can hold in deep silence and dark stillness a full dress rehearsal in which the magnetism that is that person shows up to practice through our silent and still song. We listen in deep silence and watch through the darkness and we become aware of a harmony, which exists between all beings, living and beyond living. In this way immortality is achieved; this is the way our loved ones continue even as they have gone elsewhere.
Stunned is a customary trait experienced for a short while after the death of a loved one. We find it hard to believe what has just happened whether we have prepared for the passing or it completely surprises us, we move in disbelief. This stage is sobering and staggering as it calls to us about our own demise.
Imagining a time when active consciousness will be over, I move in frozen gestures with a murky vision of the living world dancing toward me. Through a creative force of design I am responding avidly to the little things around me with an appreciation and staying power not typically attended to during mundane moments.
I move between hustling in a lively realm of ping-pong attention toward a laser of precision and love for each event moving toward me.
My appreciation for every moment has been quadrupled and I am increasingly fulfilled as I greet strangers on elevators, hold doors open for others to move before me, and take time to pause and gaze at the sky movement of clouds and birds overhead. Again, I am assured that the little things matter most.
Grace, patience, and humility have become travelling companions. Having been here before, I know time will move me pass grief. I trust that I will remember these savoring moments where I have become absolute deep love with all creation.
for the love of Jen…
vinn love gratitude march 16, 2010